I GIVE UP

I drove to the seaside the other day to hold a dance session at the beautiful Mosor Observatory. That’s a peak event of my summer dance sessions, a ceremony I started as a tradition, an evening that means so much to me and opens the Earth and the Sky for me and the dancers to take us deep into the dance of our lives.

I could just show the beautiful videos, photos, the amazing space we created and the time we shared last night. But that wouldn’t be even the half of it. The journey to get there is what counts. The journey to get there is the medicine of what I do.

I started my travel the day before thinking I was fine. I said I was fine. I thought I was fine. And ‘fine’ was on the surface and somewhere deep in my core.

In between there was something else.

On my way to the seaside I’ve bumped my car, scratched the bottom of it breaking the plastic that protects the engine. If I only knew it was a metaphor. And clearly ‘fine’ is not what I was.

I woke up the next day in panic, realising I forgot the most important pieces of my equipment for the dance. Clearly, I was not fine.

It just continues. My car is blocked, I spill coffee all over my white dress, and my mind starts rewiring -literally my sound-system in my head, metaphorically my life in my heart so I can pull myself together, make it work, hold on and go through.

So many times I did that in my life. Luckily, and deservingly, help is there whenever I need it. The most beautiful one too.

Talking about cables and leads and rewiring and jacks and plugs to my friend on the phone, breathing with fear and tension in my heart, that same heart finally cracks open. And I finally give up. And I cry and I cry and I cry.

And I continue breathing and giving it up through the day, through sorting out the cables and leads, mixers and monitors, I continue to give it all up when my computer stops working 30 minutes before we start, I continue to give it up knowing I will be holding space ‘in the dark’, DJing without the headphones, without my controller, without the way to know what’s next, giving it all up to the sky. And I stand in that place, in my new beautiful dress choosing to trust that dance.

Last night it was one of the most beautiful dances I ever held. The heart was broken open, and there was nothing to hold.

//Photo is from the moment of preparation, receiving this beautiful dress as a gift, one of many I’ve received that day.

//Thank you to all of you my friends for loving me and being there yesterday, you were and are the Spirit coming through//