Today I celebrate

Almost three years ago I got the news that my body started to change in a way that did not offer me a healthy future. Young as I was, at that point I thought it will go away on its own and did not worry – at least not for the first couple of months.

I was unaware of the possibility that my body was giving me a warning about the path I was taking at that point – the path, which was not what I would dare to call in alignment with who I truly am, and everything I could (and will) become.

A couple of months later after going in for another check up and getting even worse results, the reality started kicking in. I got scared and started feeling the possible consequences of what was happening. Analytic and self-responsible as I am, I realised if there were consequences, there must be a cause.

In my case, as in many others, one of the causes was lack of self-care as well as unconscious negative intention towards myself in some aspects of my life. After taking a long look into where I come from, what I brought with me in my adult life and some of the choices I was making, I realised that no matter how my past looked like and no matter who I could blame for it, it was time for me to start taking the best possible care of myself if I want a good, joyful and long future.

When I think about it today ‘lack of self-care’ sounds so simple. I’ve never met a person that would brag about it – we are brought up by the idea that one should love thy self, but they don’t really teach us what it means. Or at least I was not taught what that practically means – how do a healthy self-appreciation, care and love look like in relationship with myself.

So, I’ve set up my intention to start clearing things in life that are not in accordance with it and to learn to treat myself with love and kindness. To be honest, that lesson I will continue to learn through my entire lifetime, but I can proudly say that I’ve built more than solid foundations with the help of my tribe, my family, my teachers – and later on with my doctors.

When I talk about negative intention and lack of self-care I think about things that are more implicit and less visible. The beginning of that journey for me was stepping out of a relationship that was not what I wish for myself. Still, the discoveries and realisation that happened on the way were more about the things that are sewn up in one’s everyday life in a way that is almost impossible to see them at the first glance;

It is having enough hours of sleep at night, it is eating the best possible food you can find (and yes, I mean organic), it is allowing your body to relax when needed, it is working with the tension in your body through movement, taking deep and nourishing breaths as often as you can, asking for help when needed, setting boundaries to the things that do not feel comfortable or right no matter who they come from, learning to accept your own imperfection and it is finding your own truth over and over again and living by it even at the times you may not even like it.

The road I’ve been to a certain level forced to take was a road of consciously choosing the best possible options for myself. With each day that has passed, with waking up in tears an praying for a change, with worrying and not knowing what will happen I have also discovered parts of myself that were not ready to be healthy – parts that nowadays I see and feel as a part of being human, no matter how good our life is. For me this means that if there is a part of my life, no matter how small or irrelevant it may seem that I am not satisfied with it, there is also a part of my psyche that believes it cannot be different. Digging deeper I discovered that those parts of me are places where I do not feel worthy of something better, worthy of love, being loved, being happy and/or in consequence healthy.

Surely there are many ways how this can manifest in someone’s life, but if the last couple of years have taught me anything, if I can use it as a lesson as it was, it is to listen to my own body at all times and in all circumstances. On another level, this lesson, as I believe that any dis-ease is about, is about putting yourself first – not above everybody and everything, but before – because making time for yourself and being your own best friend changes your life – it definitely changed mine.

So, today I celebrate. I celebrate the most simple thing of all that there is – that I am healthy and alive.