/WE ACT/ AS IF WE HAVE TIME (Love you in case I die)

(ENG/CRO)

Dear one,

these days I am about to finish another cycle around the sun marking my b-earth day. These days I’m approaching another cycle in front of me, feeling the echo of the past few weeks, months and traveling through time to gather the jewels of the years behind me ready to be harvested. These days I feel like my relationship with Time is getting deeper than ever.

For as long as I can remember I was curious about the concept of Time. Even as a little girl I remember I was jumping on a playground trying to physically catch the ‘now’ – the present moment. I was looking behind my shoulder how is it possible that just a moment ago I was there and now I am here. I was there. What an intangible concept! Stubborn as I was, I decided I need to understand the Time, because it was going at such a speed that I could not follow. And I never liked not being able to keep up. Needless to say, I spent years feeling, thinking, tuning into Time, studying philosophy, reading, writing. I spent years dancing, living, being, trying to be aware of the Time. I spent years working with the past, building the future, working with the past, building the now. I spent years letting go of that control, constant awareness, with finding the balance and living to the best of my abilities. They say that with Time we get wiser. They say we see and know things we did not know before. So I can see now what I could not see before. And hopefully with Time I will laugh how little did I know today…

Since I was 13 every year around my birthday I have been taking the Time to tune into where I am, where I’ve been and where do I want to go next in my life. It is usually a week full of memories, dreams, letting go’s, writing apologies, loving the people who I love even more, making a list of what I want for myself and making a ritual to say thank you and to set out intentions to Heavens above me. It took years for some of those intentions to manifest. Some of them are still in that thin space between spirit and matter (hopefully) waiting to land. And as the years go by and my practice gets deeper, so does this Time of introspection become stronger, more honest and more compassionate. It is also the Time where I once again take the moment to look where I want to be present even more in my life. And this year I have been more than  ever present with how precious life is. I have also been present with how the moments we have we often take for granted.

Oh, how many times do we say ‘see you later’ forgetting that ‘later’ is a gift we may or may not receive. How many times do we walk by something, how many times we don’t stop to make a connection, to enjoy, appreciate, to be with and to celebrate. How many times we think ‘it doesn’t matter’, or that ‘we do not have the Time’ for something while being completely unaware what tomorrow will bring. How many times we hold a grudge, focus on irrelevant, wait for a better moment. And how many times we don’t find the energy, love or will to follow through…

My father left this world in quite an abrupt way when I was 20 years old. Since he’s been on his motorcycle most of his life, he was teaching both of my brothers and me that we never ever know what the next curve of the road brings. Even with all that he shared I was shocked to my bones when he passed away. That was the year when I decided that I would never ever miss a chance to tell someone I love them. That was also the year when I wrote the first version of my final will.  That was also the moment when my relationship with Time and Death started changing even more. With each step I am finding more balance, relaxation, more awareness and more appreciation. And appreciation… it is an instant gateway to be in a direct relationship with Time. It is an instant gateway to be present in Life – or better to say to be present with my Life. Because, when I appreciate I am present. When I am present, I am already in connection with what is around me. And when I’m in connection… this is when all the beauty of Life that I long for happens…

For sure this is an ongoing journey, discovering many imperfections, bringing more of ourselves, more of our attention and awareness in our walk and talk. And Inshallah that ‘later’, that ‘tomorrow’ will come for every one of us. And one day it won’t. And we do not know when that Time comes. We can only do as much as we can before that. I can only do as much as I can before that. To be aware. To really be here. To love. To be loved. To appreciate.

So, my dear one, my dear friend, dear lover, sister, brother, mother, father, dear grandparents and dear Spirits on the way, dear nephew, godson, goddaughter, dear teacher, student, client, dear lady at the grocery shop, doctor, hairdresser, trainer, dear  stranger, dear musician on the street, my neighbour, taxi driver, my dear Shiva dog, dear trees and bees, the  Sun and the sea, dear breath of fresh air and your softness on my skin, my dear dear sweet Life, I could go on forever, but

Love you in case I die.

K.

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(ŽIVIMO) KAO DA IMAMO VREMENA

U slučaju da umrem, volim te.        

Dragi,

ovih dana završavam još jedan krug oko sunca koji označava dan mojeg dolaska na zemlju. Ovih dana približavam se novom krugu ispred sebe, udišem jeku prošlih tjedana, prošlih mjeseci i putujem kroz vrijeme da sakupim dragulje godina iza sebe. Ovih dana osjećam kako se moj odnos s Vremenom produbljuje više nego ikada.

Otkako znam za sebe silno me zanimao koncept Vremena. Sjećam se da sam kao djevojčica skakala na igralištu pokušavajući u skoku fizički ulovitii ‘sada’, taj sadašnji trenutak. Gledala sam preko ramena kako je moguće da sam samo trenutak ranije bila tamo, a sada sam ovdje. Bila sam ovdje. Koji nedodirljivi koncept! Tvrdoglava kakva jesam, odlučila sam da želim razumijeti Vrijeme jer je išlo tolikom brzinom da ga nisam mogla pratiti. A nikada nisam voljela ne moći pratiti nešto.  Ne moram ni reći da sam provela godine osjećajući, razmišljajući, povezujući se s Vremenom, studirajući filozofiju, čitajući, pišući… Provela sam godine i plešući, živeći, bivajući, pokušavajući biti svjesna Vremena. Provela sam  godine radeći s prošlošću, gradeći budućnost, radeći s prošlošću, gradeći sada. Provela sam godine otpuštajući kontrolu, konstantnu svjesnost, tražeći ravnotežu i živeći najbolje što mogu. Kažu da s Vremenom postajemo mudriji. Kažu da s Vremenom vidimo i znamo ono što nismo znali ranije. Tako i ja s Vremenom vidim ono što nisam vidjela prije. A nadam se da ću se s Vremenom nasmijati i tome koliko sam malo znala danas…

Otkako sam imala 13 svake godine oko svog rođendana uzimam Vrijeme da osjetim gdje sam trenutno, gdje sam bila i gdje želim dalje u životu. To je obično tjedan pun sjećanja, snova, otpuštanja, pisanja isprika, voljenja ljudi koje volim još više, stvaranja liste što želim za sebe i rituala da zahvaliim i pošaljem namjere Nebesima iznad. Za neke od tih namjera trebale su godine da se ostvare. Neke od njih još uvijek su u prostoru između duha i materije i čekaju (nadam se) da se spuste. A kako godine prolaze i kako je moja osobna praksa sve dublja, tako je i ovo Vrijeme introspekcije postalo jače, iskrenije i s više suosjećanja.

Ovo je i Vrijeme kada još jednom uzimam trenutak da pogledam gdje želim biti još prisutnija u svom životu. A ono s čim sam bila prisutna cijele ove godine jest koliko je život neopisivo vrijedan. Bila sam prisutna i s time koliko Vrijeme koje imamo često uzimamo zdravo za gotovo.

Koliko smo samo puta rekli ‘vidimo se kasnije’ zaboravljajući da je to poklon koji ćemo možda dobiti, a možda i ne. Koliko smo puta prošli pored nečega, koliko puta nismo zastali da se povežemo, da uživamo, da cijenimo, da budemo s nekim ili nečim i da slavimo. Koliko puta smo mislili da ‘nije bitno’ ili  da ‘nemamo Vremena’, a da smo u potpunosti nesvjesni onoga što donosi novi dan.  Koliko puta smo zamjerali, dali pažnju nebitnom, čekali bolji trenutak. Koliko puta nismo imali energije, ljubavi ili volje da dovršimo…

Moj je otac umro vrlo naglo kada mi je bilo 20 godina. Kako je bio na motoru većinu svog života, tako je i učio moja dva brata i mene da nikada ne znamo što donosi sljedeći zavoj ceste. Čak i s tim što nas je učio, njegov odlazak s ovog svijeta šokirao me je do kostiju. Te sam godine odlučila da nikada neću propustiti reći  ‘volim te’. Te sam godine isto tako odlučila napisati prvu verziju svoje oporuke. To je bio i trenutak kada se moj odnos s Vremenom i Smrću počeo mijenjati još i više. Sa svakim korakom pronalazim još više ravnoteže, opuštanja, više svjesnosti i više zahvalnosti. A zahvalnost… zahvanost je direktan prolaz da budemo u odnosu s Vremenom. Kada sam zahvalna, prisutna sam. Kada sam prisutna, već sam u odnosu  s onim što je oko mene. A kada sam u odnosu… to je ono gdje se događa sva ljepota Života za kojom čeznem.

I naravno, ovo je dugoročno putovanje u kojem otkrivamo puno nesavršenosti i dovodimo više sebe, više svoje pažnje i svjesnosti u ono kako živimo.

I Inšallah da će to ‘kasnije’, to ‘sutra’ doći za svakoga od nas. I jednoga dana neće. I nitko od nas ne zna kada je to Vrijeme. Jedino što možemo je napraviti najviše što možemo prije toga. Jedino što mogu je napraviti najviše što mogu prije toga. Da sam svjesna. Da sam stvarno ovdje. Da volim. Da sam voljena. Da cijenim.

Pa dragi moj, dragi prijatelju, prijateljice, ljubavniku, draga sestro, brate, majko, oče, dragi bake i djedovi, drage duše tek na putu, dragi nećaci, kumčad, dragi učitelji, učenici, klijenti, draga prodavačice dućanu, doktore, frizeru, treneru, dragi strancu, glazbeniku na cesti, dragi susjede, vozaču taksija, moj dragi Shivapsu, draga stabla i pčele, sunce i more, dragi dašku svježeg zraka i tvoja  mekoća na koži, dragi dragi slatki Živote, mogla bih ovako zauvijek, ali

U slučaju da umrem, volim te.

K.