Yet, a change of season is always so much more than a change of temperature. And for me this time of the year always represents the beginning of a new cycle -not just because school starts, but because my personal internal calendar has always been set to begin a year at the beginning of September - for my birthday. 

Every year in the weeks coming up to that moment I take some time to turn inwards, to reflect on the year behind, to take out the learnings, but also gratitude for what was, to find out where I need to apologize - and do it, and to tune in to feel what the year ahead of me is about. It is not so much that I am interested in the events, wanting to know the future (that way it would be way less fun). What I’m interested in is the taste of direction I should go, quality I will develop more and which part of my life should have more focus. 

What I get to sense in those moments starts turning into shapes later on throughout the year. 

 And it never is how I would imagine it to be. 

Having cycles behind me, enough years on this earth to start seeing the patterns, the cause and effect - consequences of actions and lack of it, seeing hidden threads and silver linings is one of the most exciting things I have been exploring.

I am aware I will not figure it all out. But it won’t stop me from trying.

Starting to see the patterns in my life, some repetition, change and growth, relaxation that comes with time, but also the knots that stay knotted until it’s their time to untangle, it all feels like a deep inner quest for meaning. Not just for the meaning for the sake of it, but to be closer to that breath of life within that moves and shapes it all. 

One thing that I’m learning to love over the years is that Life doesn’t let us get lazy. It doesn’t let us to ‘sit one out’, or build a castle (or in my case a metaphor of a farm is much more in order) on the plateau we have arrived at.

It doesn’t let us be smug or to build our ego on ‘who we are’, or ‘what we achieved so far’, or to have it easy or reward us because we’ve been dealing with a lot of challenges already.  It pushes us, nudges, or gently guides us to where we need to grow.  And how we react to it, it is our own choice. We can go for it and dive deep right away, we can take it slow or we can ignore it completely. But what I find absolutely fascinating is if we don’t make a move, life will do it for us. 

 If we do not choose to change, to grow, and to take ourselves, our relationships, our offerings further not just once but over and over, and over again, life will definitely do something that will make it impossible to stay the same. It usually shakes up something that we got very comfortable with, and shows us that things cannot stay the same forever. Sometimes it is just about a little reorganization or seasonal dusting. 

At other times it is to show us how something that once was is not aligned with who we are now - or with where we are going. It doesn’t mean it’s necessarily ‘bad’, or ‘wrong’. It can just mean it's outdated. 

It’s an evolution. But evolution by definition does also not mean change for the better. It means change. Change to survive, to adjust to given conditions, to become more resilient to what is around us.  We are the ones that give that change a place, intention and meaning in our lives. We’re the ones who can make something creative, beautiful, meaningful, strong and life affirming with it. If we choose so. How we perceive to see it, how we approach it and move with it, makes every difference to what will follow. 

 So, those little moment’s of guidance, that gut feeling that tells me I should do something, but I really really don’t want to - I’m really starting to appreciate it more and more. It is not about the reward or punishment, projecting on Life our unfinished stories from what we learned in our childhood. I think it is far more about that journey of self-discovery and growth that is neverending. 

 And challenge - it usually is not something that’s hard but we want to do it anyway. I’m coming to believe that true challenges in life are those places we want to run away from, places that feel uncomfortable and too much work, that we’d rather ignore, but also that deep down we know - it is only a matter of time when we will need to make that step. A true death for the ego, over and over again. Leaving us without that we are not, and with more of what we’re made from. 

We can resist it, or we can flow with it.  But hopefully we really learn to enjoy it along the way.

K.