Ovo što pišem možda nije lako za čuti. Ali vrijeme je. Draga Sestro, je li nam dosta borbe?

Draga Sestro, napravile smo velike stvari, i ti i ja, i one prije nas, i oni prije nas i oni s nama. I daleko od toga da je posao gotov, da smo jednako vrijedni u društvenoj strukturi, da smo jednako moćni na papiru i u praksi, ne samo ovdje, doma, nego u svakom dijelu svijeta.

Draga Sestro, prošle su godine i godine i godine otkako su one prije nas odlučile prestati šutjeti, a i mi skupa s njima, otkako smo izabrale stati u sebe, za sebe i na van, u integritet, snagu i u svoju prirodu.

Draga Sestro, hvala i tebi i meni i svakoj od nas, kada je vikala kada je trebalo i tražila da nas se čuje, hvala svakoj onoj koja je bila spremna sebe dati u to, hvala svakom onom koji je to čuo i vidio, koji je podržao ono što radimo. Hvala svakoj onoj koja je svoj dio tog puta napravila najbolje što može, da danas mogu pisati ove riječi, a ti ih možeš čitati, da mi same, i one koje dolaze, mogu biti i živjeti onako kako žele i ono što jesu.

Ali draga Sestro, nije li nam dosta borbe? Nije li dosta da se borimo protiv muškaraca, da imamo dežurnog krivca za ono što u temeljim postavkama nevalja i da kažnjavamo i one koji nisu bili ovdje kada su se karte dijelile?

STOP WASTING MY TIME

Neon flashing signs up in my face on the street, please stop wasting my time.

Cookies policies, no I do not want to accept, stop wasting my time.

Incredibly kind lady who works for a big company, no, it’s not you, it’s the firm’s policy that makes you ask me every time ‘would you like to buy this product, it’s on sale?’ instead of ‘how are you’, not you, but your company, please stop wasting my precious time.

Operators calling on the phone for a new deal, I will not even start with you. Stop wasting my time.

Enormously ridiculous amount of wrapping of the products, I will avoid you whenever I can, but you’re like a thorn that keeps on coming to the surface more and more whenever I think I’m done. Stop wasting my time.

Customer support, yes you, you whose intrinsic value is in being there, where the fuck can I find the number to reach you when I really need you? (Stop wasting my time.)

Machines in supermarkets instead of the living human beings, I’ve put down my items, not my problem you’re not sensitive enough to feel it. Card not accepted? My bills not good enough for ya? Want me to try again one more time? Stop wasting my time.

Dear one,

these days I am about to finish another cycle around the sun marking my b-earth day. These days I’m approaching another cycle in front of me, feeling the echo of the past few weeks, months and traveling through time to gather the jewels of the years behind me ready to be harvested. These days I feel like my relationship with Time is getting deeper than ever.

For as long as I can remember I was curious about the concept of Time. Even as a little girl I remember I was jumping on a playground trying to physically catch the ‘now’ – the present moment. I was looking behind my shoulder how is it possible that just a moment ago I was there and now I am here. I was there. What an intangible concept! Stubborn as I was, I decided I need to understand the Time, because it was going at such a speed that I could not follow. And I never liked not being able to keep up. Needless to say, I spent years feeling, thinking, tuning into Time, studying philosophy, reading, writing. I spent years dancing, living, being, trying to be aware of the Time. I spent years working with the past, building the future, working with the past, building the now. I spent years letting go of that control, constant awareness, with finding the balance and living to the best of my abilities. They say that with Time we get wiser. They say we see and know things we did not know before. So I can see now what I could not see before. And hopefully with Time I will laugh how little did I know today…

Wow. Mogu reći da sam sretna što nikada ranije u svom odraslom životu nisam bila suočena s prijetnjom slobodi kretanja, a niti okupljanja. Sretna sam da mogu reći da sam uživala mnoge luksuze 21. stoljeća koje sam u puno trenutaka doživljavala kao svoje ‘pravo’. Doživljavala sam ih kao status quo društva u kojemu živim i kao način na koji svijet, bolje rečeno moj svijet funkcionira. I imajmo na umu da dolazim iz Hrvatske. Mi smo, kao i neke druge države, imali rat prije kako mi se to danas čini gotovo 10 minuta. Kako bi rekao jedan dragi prijatelj – razlika je u tome što smo tada bili u skloništima i okupljeni oko nekoga slušali priče dok su padale granate. Danas imamo lockdown. I internet. Bogu hvala na interentu.

Ovih dana moje tijelo hvata grč od pokušaja prilagodbe na misao kako će tri visoka bora udaljena 150 metara od moga prozora zajedno s kućnim biljkama biti moji biljni najbolji prijatelji na tko zna koliko dugo. Ako sam sigurna i u što, onda je to da ova novonastala situacija barem potvrđuje moj izbor da se preselim u prirodu. A možda će da će i donijeti više zdravlja, ljubavi, veselja, mudrosti, plesa i kreativnosti u ovaj svijet. Nadam se da će svima nama poslužiti u te svrhe. Ako ništa drugo, to je barem ono za što se molim ovih dana.

Ali vratimo se na početak.

Wow. I am lucky to say that never before in my adult life have I faced a threat to my freedom to move freely or the freedom of assembly. I am lucky to say I have been enjoying many luxuries of the 21st century which at many times I have taken as my ‘right’. I have taken them as the status quo of the society I live in and as the way the world, or at least my world, is. And mind you, I come from Croatia. We, like many other countries have had a war what nowadays seems like 10 minutes ago. As a good friend of mine put it, only then we were in a refuge gathered around someone telling us stories as grenades were falling down. Nowadays we have ‘lockdown’. And Internet. God bless Internet.

These days my body contracts constantly from trying to adjust to the thought of three pine trees 150 meters away from my window that will along with my apartment plants be my best nature friends for who knows how long. If I’m sure of anything, it is at least that this new situation is reaffirming my choice to move to nature. And at best, it will support me to bring out more health, love, joy, wisdom, dance and creativity into this world. Hopefully, it will serve us all in that way. At least that’s what I pray for these days.

But let’s go back to the beginning.

Landing back after an incredible two weeks in UK that culminated with the Movement Medicine Winter Dream Dance – a 48 hour long ceremony we do every year.

So many moments, insights, gifts, tears, letting go and receiving, challenges that mirror everyday life and support that comes with it, so much joy joy joy to be alive and able to dance and to bow to the majesty of Life as my dear sister Mira Khanya put it into words. Sisterhood, brotherhood, friendships, love, honesty and rawness, showing up in what is, community and vision. I feel as it has been a year and not a couple of weeks. Two things feel really important to share – how important is to elevate each other – how that is always a choice to give our focus to that which supports life, creative power in us and constructive way of living, loving and laughing. And to grow together in it.

The second thing is the moment I almost jumped from the healing I was blessed to receive – feeling the pull of the community dancing around me, feeling in every cell of my body how the force of the dance – the force of life is strong and indestructible… and yes, just like after every journey I’ve been on, it felt a bit weird to be home today – some kind of fear moving through me, questioning how can I bring into my life all that I want. I got out of my apartment as early as I could, jumped on my bike, felt the spring and the breath of fresh air on my cheeks, wind in my hair, smell of flowers around me and when I looked down I noticed what it says on my bike – Long sweet ride. My whole heart felt that’s it, if Life’s listening right now, that’s what it is right now and that’s what I pray for – a loooong sweet ride full of love, friendship, family, nature magic, giving and receiving all, and being here alive as possible…

On this day years ago I went for a dance workshop I knew nothing about. As I was going for every dance opportunity I could go in Croatia at that time, this was one of the things I applied for not knowing what to expect. Truth be told, I didn’t care too much what was that about, I just wanted to dance.

It was the last year in my psychotherapy training and I was eager to continue my studies. For moths I was browsing through the internet different schools, different opportunities that would bring me what I wished for. And what I wished for, or better to say what I was calling in was a new teacher, a practice that is in connection to the spirit world, that acknowledges it, works with it explicitly and is at the same time rooted and present on this material dimension.

As I wasn’t able to find anything that was for me better or much different than the school I was finishing at the time – Center for Integrative Development here in Zagreb, I gave up on that search somewhere around Christmas. I remember that time being really potent for my inner journey. I ended a relationship that wasn’t good for me and decided to look deeper into my own responsibility of that what life was bringing me which I felt as deeply painful and shitty. I was 23 at the time and just started to learn about my life purpose. A lot of ‘letting go’ was happening at that time. A lot of making space for the new as I see it now. So, there I was, years in therapy and dancing my heart out as much as I could to work through the heavy shit of being human with personal and family history, as I recognize today we all have, dancing for what I want to bring and create in my life with full body-heart passion that I have. I showed up for the workshop. I remember going in, feeling this space I later on learned to be called Mesa. I remember hearing two tracks that hit my heart – two tracks that in the last couple of months represented my shadow and my light. I remember dancing in this thing known deeply in my bones, the thing called ceremony, feeling like I’ve known this place my whole life, but did not know where it is.

Dear dancers,

those who are much wiser than me would say that change is the only constant in life. A dear friend of mine would add ‘okay, Croatia Airlines flight delay also’. I don’t know whether these are the only two constants, but the fact that they exist and are very often in my life is indisputable.

My life has been changing in the recent period in the ways that is not always just pleasant, nor understandable.

I often catch myself in the moments when my heart opens into a known scenery and at the same time feeling thousands of landscapes ready to be discovered. Some of the things I knew before I don’t know anymore. Some other things I am just beginning to learn. Some I don’t have a clue about and some I will probably never know. It seems like with years I’m learning to tolerate the Unknown (thanks for the lesson!) and the vast starry sky is often such a good reminder of that there is something much much greater than us, something that holds us even when we believe we’re in control – it holds us even when we know we aren’t. At least that’s the story I choose to believe in – that Life is much greater than us, that it is benevolent and that there is a bigger picture we can surrender to. I don’t know about you, but this makes me exhale deeply.

Dear dancers,

These days I cannot resist feeling how much life can change in a split second. And how those seconds become minutes, hours and days that make one moment into a habit, a condition or a change. How much we don’t know what’s on the road ahead and how much, oh how much we actually have.

In the same week, in the same day my heart was broken by the fires in Australia, by all the Life there, all the people, animals, plants and the conditions they are in. And then the same heart unfolded into the joy of life laughing out loud with 6 friends snowboarding in the Austrian Alps.

Though this time snowboarding was a bit different. When I got on my board the first day I felt enormous pain in my foot – the consequence of a frying pan being dropped by someone on my foot just two weeks ago. As I was coming down the slope I was feeling how much my body, both of my ankles and my knees have changed. For a moment I was terrified – what if this is now the way it is? What if I need to give snowboarding up in order to continue dancing and walking through life the way I want to walk? What if this is becoming my life – aching joints, caution and slow pace? And how much I love the sense of freedom on that snow, I cannot even begin to describe.

Recently I came out of a strong dance ceremony on one of the Movement Medicine CPD modules. This one was about the medicine of Phoenix, the power of transformation, change and connection to that which is already whole within us. At the end of the ceremony after 9 hours of dancing for myself personally, for my 1:1 relationships, for the communities I am a part of and the greater community of all the Life on this Earth, for my relationship with the world of Spirits and the one with the Divine, I ended the ceremony with an enormous sense of sadness.

That sense was a deep longing for having around me people my age – having them dancing with me and doing this work. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love all of my tribes, but being the youngest on my every training for the last 10 years brought me to this place. And yes, I did start early with this whole self development thing. I found my teacher, felt his connection with the Divine, his love towards Life, towards me, felt deep human compassion and holding for the first time fully in my life, and with him and with that I found the practice of integrative body-oriented psychotherapy. That was my grand entrance to my conscious self development, later on followed with my other passion –Movement Medicine. Both of them, along with my teachers, reminding me of who I am and where to look to find who I want to become.

I remember reading that ‘’Dear human’’ quote –- the one that says we’’re not here to love unconditionally, but to master messy human love. Thanks for the heads up.

I don’’t see myself as a master in that field, or in the field of Life in general. I’’m more of a person who’’d like to learn how to surf while amazed with the greatness of the sea. Or at least that’’s who I’’m becoming these days. Nonetheless, ‘be one with the wave’ is what it’’s all about for me.

I had a 5 month gap between the last two ceremonies I did with Movement Medicine. Five long, weird, challenging, groundbreaking, heart-cracking and heart-opening months. And here I was just a month ago, getting ready to dive deep into 48 hours of dancing, ready to go back to find more love for myself and others.

I remember the man I loved telling me a while ago ‘what’s the use of dancing ceremonies if you’’re not living it’. He was right. He also gave me a great reminder. The thing he didn’t know is how much ceremony helps me to bring what I dream of into this life. It allows me to expand myself, to expand my habits, my known patterns, deeply rooted beliefs about self, other and Life far beyond my zone of comfort. And yes, sometimes it takes me to dance for many hours to get to some things that many of us already know. Not only to get to it, but to embody it, breathe life into it and let it spread alive around me. This way the tapestry of my heart and soul can whisper what I need to be able to continue my journey. What happens next (or how I perceive it) is that Life responds to what we dance for and gives us opportunities to bring to this world what we dream as Dancers -– it gives us a chance to embody it in our everyday dance. And there’’s no doubt this shit ain’’t always easy. But I do trust in the benevolent intention of the Great Choreographer. He just has a funny way of showing it sometimes.

It would be amazing if we could all see the beauty that surrounds us all the time. It would be magnificent. But that’s not the case.
No matter where each one of us stands on the scale of possibilities ‘to see’, being blind is a part of human condition – as far as I understand it.

For me seeing is being willing to go straight into my heart. To be willing to see uncompromising and unflattering truth of my shadows. It is the disciplined practice of being present with myself, of getting to know myself, of following the currents within me with the courage that they will take me where I need to get. It is giving up on the ideas of myself and allowing the greater force to show me the parts of me I may not wish to see, whether ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

Seeing is not something on the outside. It is an inward journey which asks for everything that you have and then a bit more.

Seeing is not a place to get, but a bus stop on the way. A bus stop that asks for an expensive ticket to get on the ride, but does not cover travel insurance.

For sure, the ride can be amazing, but it’s up to each one of us whether we’re gonna focus on the beautiful mountain at the back, the bumps on the road, the dirt on the window through which we’re looking out or the butterfly flying in through that same window.

Once I had a postcard on my board saying ‘If you don’t like where you are, change. You’re not a tree.’ Truth be told, I hope I am a tree, at least to the extent that my being is with each day rooted more and more in this living body on this Earth.

Not so long ago I spent a day in ceremony with David Mooney, a Movement Medicine teacher in a workshop called Presence of Heart. Funny thing this heart of ours is, always present for us, even when we/when I/ forget about it.

As they always are, ceremonies ask all that we are willing to give into them. So did this one. Even though my role was holding the space and assisting, the dance that I have danced there was deep, heartbreaking and heartwarming.

I was blessed to witness dreams coming into the being. I was blessed to see sparkles of magic of higher realms getting rooted in the beautiful human beings dancing their heart’s desires and allowing the heart to break wide open to be ready to receive the dream inside to manifest. And I was blessed to feel my own heart struggle to break free of old patterns that no longer serve me.

I am lucky to say that in my closest circle I have two magnificent friends who are both artists. Although there is a difference in their style, I can proudly say that over the years they became known world wide – as this can be a sign of success in the art world. One of them is a painter and the other a street artist. Their creativity makes my heart jump faster every time I see their new work, but that is definitely not the whole story behind it. When I think about both of them, although both of their expression is unique and they have many differences in their wonderful characters – when I step back, I can follow the thread that they share.

I used to think that art is this amazing phenomena that gets channeled through a being that is open and willing. I was right about that part. The thing that took me years to realise is that this openness and will take a great deal of work, inner and outer, to get yourself to the place where you can offer what you have to the world.

If I could take one thing that both of my friends have thought me over the years we’ve known each other, it is that creativity and success take hard work. These two people work more than the most people I’ve ever met. They get up every day, go to their ateliers, read, write, draw, sketch, paint layer after layer and layer over layer. They practice and fail. And they practice and succeed. When they are inspired, they work. When they are stuck, they work even more.

Kada sam bila mala, veselila sam se današnjoj šetnji prema groblju. Veselila sam se pečenim kestenima prije ručka, bršljanu na arkadama Mirogoja prošaranom paletom crvene boje, veselila sam se vraćanju sljedeći dan u predvečer da vidim kako se sve izmijenilo, kako su plamenovi svijeća izmijenili ono što većinu ostalih dana u godini biva mirno i tiho posljednje počivalište naših predaka.

Kada sam bila mala, kao i drugim prilikama, ljutila sam se na fasadu koja se na današnji dan prikazuje na van, ljutila sam se na baku koja je čistila djedov grob ‘za Sisvete’, ljutila sam se na horde ljudi koje su baš danas odlučile ići tamo, ljutila sam se što moram gledati ljude kako koračaju po tom mirnom i tihom mjestu ‘da obave’ nešto i da ‘ispune svoju dužnost’.

I onda sam odrasla. I onda sam morala pustiti ruku koja mi je uvijek davala najbolje kestene iz mjerice da ode na neke druge svjetove. I onda sam trebala pomoć i podršku da se vratim bršljanu predivnih arkada, da kupim jedan cvijet, jednu svijeću i da ju postavim na isto ono mjesto gdje sam ju postavljala godinama za svoje pretke, ali sada je tamo bio netko uistinu važan.

Kažu da je odlazak sa ovoga svjeta najbolniji za one koji ostaju. U dubinama svoga srcu znam da je tako.

Kako sam već ranije sjedila u istome autu, u istome scenariju u kojem je na mjestu vozača bio moj tri godine stariji brat, odlučila sam dati sve od sebe da se auto u mojim rukama ne ugasi. Umjesto toga, on je gotovo poletio, a ja sam prvi put u životu osjetila ushit sile pod mojim rukama, strah, uzbuđenje i radost, a potom i osjećaj gubljenja tla pod nogama.

Auto sam uz očevu pomoć ubrzo zaustavila, a njegovo podučavanje ravnoteže između stiskanja i otpuštanja gasa nastavilo se i u sljedećim godinama.

Velika sam ljubiteljica brzine, automobila, motora i osjećaja da upravljam takvom silom, da si omogućujem nesputan tijek kretanja i da uživam u slobodi koju sama stvaram.

Ipak, unatoč sada već dvadesetogodišnjem iskustvu vožnje, vraćajući se nedavno magistralom sa starijim bratom bratom prema kući, nakon dugog niza godina korištenja onoga čime već suvereno vladam, uslijedio je i sljedeći korak – proći stotinjak kilometara bez da i jednom stisnem kočnicu, da osjećam pod prstima, stopalima i u cijelome tijelu odnos između mene, sile, zavoja koje život donosi i ubrzavanja i prepuštanja njihovom toku.

1. I am grateful for all the safety I had on my journey – planes, crazy taxis, trains, collectivos, motos, buses, hostels, homes & open air sleeping. And for my shoes, being such good friends of mine.

2. I am grateful for all the healing I have received in all of its forms, for all the smiles, kind words, hugs, kisses, love,laughter, compassion, generosity and humanity.

3. I am grateful for the jungle. For having a chance to go there, for it being there and for taking a part of it with me back home.

4. I am grateful for all the beautiful women – sisters I’ve met on the road. Without you, I would have sometimes felt alone.

5. I am grateful for all the beautiful men I’ve met. You made me feel respected, safe, appreciated and beautiful.

6. I am grateful for Diego, a 66 year old taxi driver who gave me no choice but to practice spanish irregular verbs from the airport to my hostel. He is the same age as my dad.

7. I’m grateful for the burglars to have given up breaking into my friends house after they heard us shouting.

8. I am grateful for all the help I got when I needed.

9. I am grateful for the nights under the starry sky. And for all the company I had in them.

10. I am grateful for having time on my own on Machu Picchu, for the silence that made me hear layers and layers of both, that beautiful place and myself.

Jučer sam slušala dvije hostelske suputnice, španjolke, kako govore da se ne žele vratiti doma. Kada sam ih pitala zašto, odgovorile su mi Zato što nas tamo čeka realnost.

Pitale su me A ti? Jel se veseliš ili ti je žao što se vraćaš? I, što tebe čeka? Moj osmijeh nije dočekao kraj njihovog pitanja prije nego što se razvukao gotovo do nebesa.

Mislim da sam bila u osnovnoj školi kada sam prvi put osjetila želju da odem u Južnu Ameriku, točnije u Peru. Od tada pa nadalje osjetila bih ju svakih nekoliko mjeseci izuzevši adolescentske godine kada sam ju uslijed turbulencija tog perioda nakratko smetnula s uma i zaboravila.

Podsjetio me jedan ljetni intenziv kada sam nakon dvije godine intenzivnog rada, plesa, procesa, terapije, i tehnika disanja dodirnula mjesto koje tada nisam razumjela, ali mi se beskrajno svidjelo – tada sam dobila nagovještaj kako će moj život izgledati, više kao utjelovljeni osjećaj – snaga, lakoća, uzbuđenje i radost – nego kao jasnoća u umu.

Na putu…sam si sa sobom…nema druge, nego da se voliš. ❤️

//When you travel…you are all that you’ve got… there’s no other choice but to love yourself. ❤️

Ne volim kada me se vara, kada mi se laže, kada se u lice govori jedno, a ispod, ili iza osmijeha ili pak maske energija govori drugačije. Ne volim kada je ispred mene Potemkinovo selo, kada prizor korespondira samo sa formom, a u pozadini je cijeli neki drugi svijet. No, sigurna sam da to nitko ne voli, barem onda kada primijeti.

U Peruu sam, točnije rečeno u svetoj dolini, ostala dovoljno dugo da vidim različite strane, različita lica i različite pozadine koje bi na prvi pogled mogle ostati sakrivene.

Iako su mjesta kojima sam se kretala uglavnom bila mala u kojima je većinom prevladavalo lokalno stanovništvo, nisam naišla niti na jedno mjesto, niti u jedno doba dana u kojemu sam bila jedina strankinja – jedina putnica.

//I ovdje koristim predivnu misao od novostečenog prijatelja: Always a traveler, never a tourist. / Uvijek putnik, nikada turist.//